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Little darling Kitty - again ( 08 April 2004 - 8:46 p.m. ) Oh, bloody hell. And it was such a good day too, and I felt so confident over things. And I was really resolved not to do what I just did. I was going to have no more serious conversations with Cat over msn. I was going to wait until I see her on monday, so it all gets sorted out properly, and given the time it needs. But she asked how I was, and I told how down I felt yesterday, but how I was ok now. And then she said she hopes she's not causing me trouble. Well yes you are causing me trouble, but it's not your fault, it's just something we'll have to sort out on Monday. But why the FUCK did I have to actually go and say that, instead of just think it? So we carry on talking for a bit, not about that, and I think I've got away with, she's going to be sensible and not do this over msn. Then: "Can I ask you something?". Oh shitshithshsit. "yes." "Is it weird to have me causing you trouble so soon after the Chris thing? and do you think the two are connected?" Oh I have no idea darling, i really don't. "Do you mean am I kind of rebounding onto you?" "Yeah, cos I'm just curious, cos you seemed way into her, and you said you hadn't felt like that in so long." Oh FUCK. I don't think that's the case, but if I say that I have to tell her why I don't think that's the case, which will mean putting my heart on the line even more. Well here goes. "I don't think so. And I haven't been entirely honest with you." "no?" "This isn't the first time I've felt like this about you." [By "like this" I mean this strong. I have had feelings close to this about her many many times.] "Oh. When was the last time and what happened?" "Last easter, actually." "Last year?" "Yeah." "So why didn't you say anything?" Now I have to admit my patheticness. "I was scared that you wouldn't feel the same way and I would ruin things." "Ok. Sorry, it must be hard having me ask you this stuff over this." "Yeah. I thin it's best if we wait till monday?" "Yeah, good idea." And now I feel worse, cos I want to do it all in person, but we've already done all this little bits, and throughout that one, there was no idea of how she felt, so I'm scared again. And it's even worse, because she might be back tomorrow, just for the evening, and coming to the cinema with us. We're obviously not going to be able to talk about this, so it's just going to be so awkward. And I don't want things to be awkward, I really don't. | |||||||||