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Something in my head, it won't switch off when I'm alone ( 07 April 2004 - 11:35 p.m. ) I woke up feeling awful. Having had a perfect nine hours sleep, with no nightmares, and as little waking up as I ever get. But I felt tired and drained as I woke, although I could tell there was no chance of returning to sleep. The attempts to drag myself through ordinary morning things became more and more obviously futile. I tried to work and really couldn't, there was no way I could concentrate, and I really didn't care. Sometime around midday I collapsed on my bed, curled up in a ball and closed my eyes, to try and rid myself of the tiredness. It was maybe only about ten minutes before my eyes snapped open again. But I wasn't truly awake. I lay in a kind of catatonic state, thinking nothing, and the tears began to fall. Unlike before there was nothing propelling them, they just fell on and on, as I was overwhelmed by a horrible, deep sadness somewhere in the core of my soul. I don't know what was happening in my head, if my head had anything to do with it. At some point I dragged myself into this chair, and Chrissie was online. And I told her, and she made random comments until I laughed. And she completely understands, because the inside of her head is remarkably similar to mine. At her suggestion I went for a walk to clear my head, which worked somewhat. Cat came on later and I struggled to talk to her, cos despite what I wanted I have been thinking about her, and so on, and I don't know that Ican deal with not seeing her and resolving this soon. I hope I can hold out till Monday. And we went out for drinks to celbrate that Dave has a place to study for a Ph. D., which was good fun, and I'm not drunk for once. But I still don't really feel right. In fact I feel entirely wrong. Remember I will always love you Even though I tear your fucking throat away. | |||||||||