|
Hitting my head in frustration ( 05 April 2004 - 8:34 p.m. ) When things never happen quite as you expect they will. She's away at her parents for the week, so we weren't going to talk, but then she came on messenger. And that wasn't the way I wanted to do it, but after a little abling conversation, it went serious, and it all came out. I am more uncertain about what I'm feeling today than I was yesterday. So explaining exactly what I was trying to say was harder, but it went something like this: "I don't really know exactly what I feel, but I know I love you, and having strong emotional feelings for you has never been a problem, because i've known that I was not attracted to you. Only now I think I am, but I don't know, because it's all so tangled up with loving you so much.And I do know that I NEVER want to stop being friends with, so I would never ever do anything to mess up our friendship." Her reply was certainly not what I expected, and given the uncertain nature of what I said, is actually kind of good: "I understand the last part, because I don't want to do anything to ruin our friendship either. And I also understand your confused feelings, I went throught the same thoughts sometime last summer. Only I never told you, because although I care very deeply about you, and I do think you're cute, I was not sure that there is enough of a lust thing, which is what makes the difference between friendship and lovers. And I was also worried that I wanted you just because I wanted someone, and you were there, and I didn't want to be with you beacuse you are someone and not because you're you." "And how do you feel now?" "I've been thinking about it since Saturday, and I think I've come to the conclusion that I feel the same as I did then. Also I think it may be that tht's the way you're feeling too, especially after what happened with Chrissie, and you have been feeling lonely." Which she's right I have been feeling lonely, and the whole Chrissie thing did mess me around. So I'm thrown into even more uncertainty as to what exactly I'm feeling. And I tell her how much I love her, and she says she loves me just the same, and that she cares about me so much, but however 'logical' it may seem for those feelings to go even higher, it may not be a good idea, as she at least is not totally sure they should. I suggested we meet up next Monday, when she's come back, and discuss this again, and I'll tell how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, having had more time. All I feel now though, is a huge amount of love mixed with what is now an incredible amount of uncertainty. It does seem, though, that we are both at least slightly attracted to each other. It's just, is it enough? And the rest of the day, in comparison, is monumentally insignificant, so I won't bother. And I was going to end with an emotionally significant lyric, but I'm too drained for any more emotion today. | |||||||||