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Birthdays and too much feeling ( 04 April 2004 - 12:47 p.m. ) It was a happy day for most of it. Up till maybe midnight, when somebody suggested going to Lennon's. And once we arrived there, I didn't want to anymore, I remembered why I don't like clubs, and I wished we'd stayed in the Hobbit, because I was perfectly happy there. I got lovely presents: Ronnie and Chrissie got me a purple and silver toy stuffed gecko, and bracelets made of tiny little skulls (not real ones, of course). And Cat, my darling Kitty, bought me fun little toys; clay and bubbles and a jumping smiley head and a jumping bean and a bouncy ball that somehow got lost. And she wrote me a wonderful note in my card, which has made me love her even more (more of which later). And I was very drunk, but having fun so it was all good. But I snapped in Lennon's, as I so often do when drunk, disproportionaly annoyed about something as petty as the music, and I just wanted to run away. So I did. And Dave caught up with me, to make sure I was OK, and I wouldn't talk to him, I just hunched up on the ground crying, and then suddenly got up and ran, to be on my own. My intention was to cut, to completely shred myself up, when I got home. But by the time I got there, and Gem came to see me, and I jabbered non-sensically to her about unimportant things, I felt better, and didn't. I'm worried now about how many people I may have upset. Thankyou, though, Leah, because you always seem to understand, though I may well have been talking idiotically. I need to talk to Chrissie and explain as best I can, I think. And I talked to Cat on messenger when I got home. And we argued a bit, cos she sometimes doesn't understand to well, even though she tries so hard, the poor girl. I have no idea sometimes why she puts up with me. Then I began to say some of the things I've been wanting to say to her for so long, I tried to tell her how I really feel about her. Of course, half way through I realised that I wasn't quite sure what I was trying to say, and anyway this was a conversation that needs to be done sober and face to face, not wasted and over the internet. So I told her that, and she realised, so she didn't say anything about what I'd just told her. I'm very confused about her now. And she's away for a week now, so I won't be able to talk to her until next Sunday. Which gives me time to think about it. Because I don't want to ruin our relationship, whatever happens I want to be best friends with her forever, so I have to be so careful. And anyway, I don't know exactly what I'm feeling. I just know that I love her so much that sometimes it hurts. If I was the wife of an acrobat Would I look like the living dead boy? | |||||||||