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Open wounds ( 02 March 2004 - 8:10 p.m. ) I didn't cut yesterday. I haven't (yet) today. I think I might manage not to. But my mood goes up and down so fast, so far, that I can't know. The pain has morphed into a general sense of social failure, of dissatisfaction with everyone. Because I feel everything too much, and most people can't, won't understand what it's like. Some days I'm more normal than others, but I always feel. It makes me feel raw, it makes things hurt so much, and I can't tell anyone, so as not to seem pathetic. I want them to think I can cope, because I can, but sometimes I just have to stop, to curl up in pain in the corner, to rest. I can't take the world with no breaks, no respite from the constant feeling. Because it exhausts me. As a man, I'm required to take things without showing my pain, so I do. But I can't hold it in forever. Therapy will not help now, nothing will help now. Because there is nothing wrong with me. It's who I am, it's the way I have to be. If I'm not that, I'm dead. And of course things like this, like my feeling for Chrissie, like the rejection, are so much worse than the normal feeling. It almost kills me thinking about it, because of my hurt, but also because of hers. She was crying the whole time we talked, beacuse she was feeling too, because she didn't want to, but had to. And some of the things she said, about herself, about how she is... and now I can feel her pain too. I just need a rest, to cry, to sleep to stop it draining me completely. I want some help, if anyone can in any way. But most of all I need to rest. Only I can't stop, cos no-one will let me. | |||||||||