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Timetravel ( 22 February 2004 - 5:22 p.m. ) I went to my parents' for the weekend, for my dad's birthday. It was nice, we went out for dinner, excellent. But it made me remember the old times, school, and how I was back then. Pretty much friendless and never leving the house, except to go to school, from where I would return to do homework and be eaten up by teenage angst. The memories are all quite dark, and there was a great deal of envy for those around me having fun, something I didn't succeed in doing for the entire period of my life from when I was 11 until I reched 18. Therapy has succeeded in banishing the physical and emotional torment placed on me by others, but until now the rest of that time, the non-abusive part, has seemed somewhat distant. And now, somehow, it's returned, vividly, almost like it's happening again. I feel the same as I did then, pathetic, helpless, with no confidence at all. But there's no connection to bad things that have happened, I just feel it, along with a horrible nostalgic sadness for the parts that were good, time I enjoyed with my family, walks in winter, and now it's all whirling round and round, and eating me away. I don't know what to do, no-one prepared me for this, because there's no connection to the reason behind the emotion. I just feel it strong and painful and mixed up. And I just want to sit here in the dark until it goes away. | |||||||||