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Over and over ( 15 February 2004 - 1:44 a.m. ) The country is so beautiful. Me and Cat drove out into the forest for the day. It made so nostalgic for home, for where I come from. For the days when there was someone to look after me, and everything was safe and warm. I have a complete inability to deal with the emotions I feel for other people, so I keep retreating. Soon they'll give up. It is, of course, alright, until I begin to crave something deeper, more connection to another person. And the I slowly begin to FUCK IT UP. I create any possible diversion, any reasoning to stop me indicating my true feelings. And as a result I will NEVER have that connection, never have what I want from relationships. I just can't fuckin do it. Friends always say 'well someday you'll meet someone'. And they're right, I will. But I will either instantly react and push them way, or become friends with them and create the excuse of 'she's my friend, I don't want to ruin that' and so refuse to take things any deeper. I really CANNOT do it, however I try, however many times I say 'this time will be different' it won't, it will come out the same, I just can't I can't I can't... FUCK. And now this one little thing is sending me spiralling back down again, because it is the last thing I want to change and I can't do it. | |||||||||